Eager.

I've been reading some foster child care books.
The more I read the more I want to start asap.
But at the same time I want to have our kids first and I want them to be a bit older also. So my eager personality is not so good right now. The more I keep reading the more my eagerness grows. Not so good.

Life lately.
Rough.

Just a lot happening.

Sometimes parenthood you feel really alone.. like really alone.
Its also hard when people who should be part of lilly's life are not.
That is hard. Actually hard is not the right word for it. emotionally difficult and draining.

Lilly is 11 months on Tuesday. :)
Crazy.
She is in 12month clothes and almost walking.. so SO close!

We are still attending the Presbyterian church. I like it :) Carl likes it. I got 2 girls to come to church with me!.... cause I made them cupcakes BUT still! I am really enjoying the high school girls!

I wonder tonight.. why I am blogging. I do not really have much to say.. My heart is just super SUPER unsettled tonight.. I feel like I need to really pray.. or talk to someone or something.. I saught out counseling at Calvary in olympia. I go to WEB there BUT since I do not go to church there I was turned away. A friend of mine tried to explain why and I DID listen and another friend explained why also.. but It just makes me even angrier ... I wish I understood Church politics better.. but then again I wish I did not .. I think I would be even more mad... if that is possible.
SO currently searching for somewhere to go. This is HUGE for me cause the last time I did counseling it was the thing that pushed me off the cliff in a big part of my life.
My heart is just so unsettled and I have such anger.. Some of that anger I have reason for . Good reason. But unrighteous anger is wrong... and I need to work on that..

Wow sorry for the vomit.
I could use some prayer.

Im excited for Lils 1st bday.. her dress should be here soon :)
She is so big.
So beautiful.
So funny.
So sassy.
We love her. so much.

Overwhelmed does not = less faith

A lot is going on.
Maybe not but I feel like it is.

I am just Overwhelmed. So many things going on. I feel every day is packed full of stuff. If you know me I am not the packed kind of girl. I like my own schedule. Sue time.
At the same time though I have been overwhelmed with the love of my friends and just the ones I have and really pouring time and love into them.

Taxes. Do not want to talk about them.
I just thought with them we would be able to pay off our baby bills and get a desktop. Who knows now... Not getting back very much .. well some but nothing to be un-responsible with. Sometimes I wish I was still working. BUT that is only when I want things I do not need... and being responsible sucks. Lets just be honest here people it flat out sucks. There goes our 2nd anniversary.

Moving on to more positive things.. here is a cute picture of my daughter. :) cute huh ... Look at those cheeks! hehe

SO I have been testing the waters with working with the youth group at our church we have been going to. I am loving it so far. The kids even remembered my name when I returned the 2nd week! I really feel this is where God wants us right now. I can finally breathe and stop running around to so many churches. Now to get involved in the music!

Here is another cute pic of our adorable swing loving sassy child :)
Yes, she is already sassy!

So screw statistics. What the heck was I thinking. I think I signed up for that when I was felt under accomplished and stupid.
Next time Ill just pick up war and peace.

I think some people we just are not meant to be friends with .. or associate with. AND I think that is okay. You do not have to be friends with everyone..
You can be nice and tolerate people but being friends.. no, not meant for everyone.
EVEN family.

Anyways on the overwhelmed not = less faith.
I have to keep reminding myself of that... no matter the crap that keeps flying our way.. budgeting, lils teething, family issues, did I mention budgeting...? ugh.
BUT through this .. there is not reason to doubt .. to worry.. I mean there is reason and its easy to do.. but God is bigger .. even though I hate that saying... Its sounds cheesy BUT seriously so so true! God is bigger..

If you have gotten this far.. I love you. ha ha

Branching out.

Hey Ladies and Gents.

So here is the thing.. I have been working so hard with lils schedule. Thus why I have such a good sleeper at night. ( With the occasional 5 days a month I do not or when she is sick ) Anyhoo.
She is 10 months and one week right now..
SO Im trying to branch out.
I have been attending the Presbyterian church in shelton almost 2 months now and I have been enjoying it. So I wanted to try helping with the youth. I have always wanted to see if that was my "thing" or not. Or just how I can get involved in this church. Carl and I desperately want to find a church of our own that we can pour ourselves into and just get involved. ( I am getting sidetracked.)
SO scheduling. Yes.
I have the best baby sitter ever. truly, love her. even before babysitting she was in my wedding and is one of my favorite people in the world. :)
She is now also babysitting for friends so I do not get her as much. Which is okay cause the friends have more kids than I do and need more help. BUT I was stuck.. I said I would help drive the youth to DQ for ice cream and just observe the youth for a month and I just kept using my baby as an excuse for not being able to help/go( and we did get sick too). I asked the babysitter (hana) if she could watch and she couldnt( I did ask pretty last minute) . SO I was like, you know what I am going to go anyways and just see if Lils melts down.
You see.. She has not been up past 730 (Except when she would be hard to put down ) But yeah.. we ALWAYS stick to the schedule. I was so nervous to have her out that late but before we went out I prayed.. I know some might think I am crazy .. but this was a BIG deal to me .. and God listens to all prayers so back off ;) hahaha
Anyhoo long story short She did great. We got home at 8 .. did no bath and put her to bed. She slept till 8am :) like a champ.

So DO NOT go crazy here.. this does not mean I am going to be out all the time at night OR DOING LATE DINNERS!  .. and I only do this for people I like ;) .. Erin clifton is pretty freaking awesome though and the youth were fun!
So now I feel I have hit a mile stone.
I am learning to branch out.
this is good.
Wait did I like the youth event you ask?
Yeah I did .. I am going to keep trying it out for a month maybe longer but I want to get involved. and Next is music... man I miss leading/singing worship .. so I am going to dabble there too. :)  I am really hoping this is where the Lord wants us to be (church wise) Cause I do not think I can take more (3 min) stand up and great one another with people I do not know.. cringe. (even though I know that is good for me)

Piling my plate up. Only to throw it in the trash.

SO I just signed up for a statics class online. Yep. I know. Why?!?!

Cause I did.

SO that starts the 20th. If I do not have enough on my plate already..
Anyhoo. With that said.. Lately I feel like I am always busy. I seriously have no idea how parents with more than one child do everyday life. Its a chore for me to go to the park! Which I just may do today. Freaking nice outside.

SO my goal about being a "real" person this year is going okay :) I guess I am just sick of how tired I make myself trying to put my best self forward.
I Do not want people to think my life is perfect from Facebook post everyday about HOW MUCH I LOVE my husband or our 3 course dinner I prepared right after I jumped off the treadmill for an hour( when does that EVER happen) Why do we feel the need to always show our best to our "friends" and family? Its just not realistic. For some it is. Me? No.

So I am throwing a 31 party on the 2nd .. I was debating selling the stuff .. then decided not to. I am just going to throw a party once a year. I do LOVE the stuff though.. so much. Its definitely the new craze for me.

Pictures :) I am learning so much and feel I have so much more to learn but not in a discouraging way.. in a I can not wait to learn and do more with photography.. Were getting a desktop if all goes well with the taxes and such.. instead of the cruise.. yeah I know.. BUT overall its a good decision for us :)

Cause then these pictures will be even better! My laptop is just dying.. slow.. and its super hard to edit with such a small screen and just .. yeah.. lol

OH lils is 10 months!
Her 1st Bday is just around the corner. :) Im going to go crazy with the party!
SOME people say who cares she wont remember .. I say I will remember and 1stbdays are really for the parents.. YAY YOU SURVIVED the  first year! WOOT! SO bite me negative nancy people! :)
Its elmo theme :) we got her a dress and I have a few ideas up my sleeve :)
1 yr.. wow...

Family

So lately I have been thinking a lot.
That usually leads to Blah.
Nonetheless, here it goes.

Church.
Church family.
Its great . Go for it. Awesome.
Maybe Its cause I have never really experienced Church family.
Carl and I are trying to make that change.. this year we want to get involved and find a church home.

BUT sometimes Church family is weird. strange.
You see people taking care of people so well and loving them and doing life with them... but then you see them doing the complete opposite with their family.

I have also seen this with friends.. Friends taking care of each other like a family.. yet their real family is just let to fend for themselves.

SO here are my thoughts.
I have made it a goal this year to really get involved in my nephew and nieces lives. Also my sisters. And ALSO my parents :)

I am going to try to treat my family as well as I treat the "people of the church"

Cause quite frankly you should be REALLY cautious of people who treat their "church family " so good and then write their immediate family off.

NOW this is not an angry post and I KNOW there are exceptions .. sometimes people do not have a family or their family just sucks.. and all they have is their church...

BUT when your family does not suck ( mine is awesome ) I feel called to put them first. This is something I am just learning and REALLY hope with discipline I can be better at this! I just do not want to be known as That person or family who treats their church great but their family eh.. who's that? just an observation.

1 Tim 5:8 

But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

I am set free.

This morning I found myself getting so frustrated.

Same dishes.
Same laundry.
Same pick up.
Same Vacuuming.
Same dinner making.

I seriously almost started crying.

Then I said out loud " I need some worship time"

So I turned on the Worship station I listen to on Pandora... Here are some words that stuck out..

Grateful.
grace.
Set free.
Freedom.
Lord.

I chose to be a stay at home mom.
Our budget is tight but the Lord provides what we need.
I found myself saying LOVE this time. Love that I can take care of my home .. that I can rock lils to sleep and can actually take care of her diaper rash without worrying if someone else is doing it...

In all I do I will Praise Him.


 

Our hearts

So I have always had in my heart a desire to help youth.. and now being a mom it has been on my heart even more.. like daily.

Carl and I have been discussing fostering a child. Not just this last week or last month but since say our 3rd date. I have always been upfront with him on this and telling him someday it is my desire.. and thank the Lord it was also written on his heart.
Every time we mention it to someone people throw red flags at us.. and we get it. There is a lot to consider and be cautious of. Im nervous people will be nervous for us. Or scared of our family .. cause to be honest people are scared or fearful of foster children... at least most that I have come into contact with. I am not going to lie either I am nervous. WE are nervous. We also feel this is something that has been put on our hearts..
First things first.. we need to seek out advice on this from people who have been there.. people who can give us in-site. We also need to pray pray and pray about this. Then pray some more.  We both want to do it .. so bad. We also both want to do the Lords will. So with caution ... and with that said we have started the process of looking into becoming foster parents.

There the cat is out of the bag :)  kind of.