Eager.

I've been reading some foster child care books.
The more I read the more I want to start asap.
But at the same time I want to have our kids first and I want them to be a bit older also. So my eager personality is not so good right now. The more I keep reading the more my eagerness grows. Not so good.

Life lately.
Rough.

Just a lot happening.

Sometimes parenthood you feel really alone.. like really alone.
Its also hard when people who should be part of lilly's life are not.
That is hard. Actually hard is not the right word for it. emotionally difficult and draining.

Lilly is 11 months on Tuesday. :)
Crazy.
She is in 12month clothes and almost walking.. so SO close!

We are still attending the Presbyterian church. I like it :) Carl likes it. I got 2 girls to come to church with me!.... cause I made them cupcakes BUT still! I am really enjoying the high school girls!

I wonder tonight.. why I am blogging. I do not really have much to say.. My heart is just super SUPER unsettled tonight.. I feel like I need to really pray.. or talk to someone or something.. I saught out counseling at Calvary in olympia. I go to WEB there BUT since I do not go to church there I was turned away. A friend of mine tried to explain why and I DID listen and another friend explained why also.. but It just makes me even angrier ... I wish I understood Church politics better.. but then again I wish I did not .. I think I would be even more mad... if that is possible.
SO currently searching for somewhere to go. This is HUGE for me cause the last time I did counseling it was the thing that pushed me off the cliff in a big part of my life.
My heart is just so unsettled and I have such anger.. Some of that anger I have reason for . Good reason. But unrighteous anger is wrong... and I need to work on that..

Wow sorry for the vomit.
I could use some prayer.

Im excited for Lils 1st bday.. her dress should be here soon :)
She is so big.
So beautiful.
So funny.
So sassy.
We love her. so much.